Bah-humbug and Ma

I'm feeling a little grinchy this evening. It was a hectic and frustrating day. Rion seems to be going through a phase where he is a huge pain in the rear. Add that together with teething baby, cleaning, grocery shopping, and pre-Christmas insanity... I'm ready for a break. **** This is really the first time this year I haven't felt excited about Christmas. I've been so happy with the new baby, and excited over what I'm going to bake, and who is going to be here, and what I'm going to give them, that I haven't had a moment to be a downer. Which is new for me! **** Christmas usually reminds me of my mom, which has a tendency to be kind of depressing, considering she's dead. But this year... any time I have thought about my mom, it's stuff like "Gosh, she would spoil Silas if she was here." or "Mama would be telling me to calm down and chill out right now, treasure the small things." or "Ma would get such a kick out of the random crap Rion says!". I miss her still, but the heart wrenching pain has eased. I'm left with sweet memories. Good lord, it's been six years in a month. I honestly can't believe I've been without her for that long. **** Thinking about my mum has put me a bit of a better mood. She was always happy, even when things didn't go her way. In the midst of cemo, with all her beautiful long hair falling out, and sick as a dog... she still smiled. She was still happy, always, even the last time I saw her. She gave me a small smile, and mouthed "I love you." because she couldn't make the sound. Maybe it wasn't happiness exactly, Peace is probably a better description. So I will strive for peace in my own life, even when it gets hard... cause even as a grown woman, I still want to be like my mama.